Preconception Wisdom
Aug 1, 2024
In the world of preconception and pregnancy, there is an acronym – TTC – which stands for “trying to conceive”.
In the several months my partner and I have been trying to conceive, there’s always been something about the energy behind the acronym that hasn’t quite sat right for me. “Trying” implies an attempt, maybe successful, maybe not, and sometimes a struggle. For me, “trying” connotes pressure or force. And literally, when we say “it was a trying time”, we mean that it was heavy and hard. This isn’t the way I want to think about the conception journey, even if it is difficult at times…
So I’d like to propose a new way to view this time – Inviting Life. In this reframe, we step into the energy of prayer, receptivity, and most importantly, surrender. When we simply become open to life, we are tuned into the truth that we are not in control and yet, our intentions are important and have real influence on the world around us and inside us.
The season of life where you’re actively trying to conceive is so tender. Each month is a rollercoaster of hopes and dreams, planning, emotion, mystery, and often, disappointment and grief.
It’s in this tenderness that we can meet new parts of our hearts. We can learn intimately our deepest desires. We can find clarity around our path and purpose. And it’s here also, where we can practice the greatest lesson, in this world of impermanence and change: letting go.
Our whole lives, since becoming sexually active, we’ve likely been trying to prevent pregnancy. Whether explicitly or implicitly taught, we’ve been acculturated to believe that becoming pregnant is something that can happen anytime we’re not careful; that the first time we have unprotected sex, we’ll wind up pregnant. Not only is this not true, but it shows the complete lack of education we receive, primarily as women and people who menstruate, around our cycles and the physiologic reality of all that needs to take place in order to conceive.
All of this is to say that we may have an underlying belief that as soon as we choose to stop using contraception and we want to have a baby, it should just happen. I certainly believed this is what would happen.
This mindset is compounded by our accelerating, on-demand society, where value is placed on having whatever we want, whenever we want it. In this model, as soon as we decide we want to have a baby, it should happen right away, as we desire it. But becoming pregnant is not the same as ordering something online.
And as so many of us have experienced, it doesn’t always happen in the timeframe we expect it to.
And that can be painful.
So what do we do when we’re navigating the conception journey and the inevitable highs, lows, frustrations and fears?
I’m going to share a few personal insights I’ve gleaned on my own journey and some gems of wisdom for the preconception portal.
It’s been said that preconception care, the things we can do for our health and wellbeing before becoming pregnant, has a greater impact on the health of our child than any other decision they will make in their lifetime. That’s huge, huh? I was blown away when I heard this and yet, it makes so much sense when you consider epigenetics and the influence lifestyle factors have on them.
REFRAME
As I mentioned earlier, we can reframe the time of trying to conceive to opening to conceive. You’ve made the decision: you want to have a baby and you’re ready to become pregnant. First, take a moment to recognise that this is a big deal in itself and in making this decision, something ephemeral has already shifted.
The question you might ask yourself now is: How do we invite in and receive life, rather than demand it comes?
In conceiving a child, we are physically and spiritually opening to welcome the new life to arrive and grow within us. You can imagine this as opening an energetic doorway between this world and the soul realm. It’s a sacred threshold between two worlds. Notice what it looks like in your mind or how it feels. You can get curious and just notice what arises. Does the door feel clear and open, or are there things blocking the way through? How do you relate to the door? It can be a nice practice to imagine a gentle, warm light shimmering over or around the threshold.
If I find myself pacing at the figurative door, brow furrowed, checking the clock as I might if I were waiting for an important guest to arrive, I carve out some space to sit quietly and remind myself to take a step back, and instead, put some energy into creating a sweet, cosy space on this side of the door (both in my imagination and in my material reality!) In the vision, I might light a candle, lounge on a soft cushion and make myself as comfortable as I can be in the great mystery of birth. In reality, I might make myself a nourishing meal or take a warm bath, as a way of tending to my body and caring for myself. This leads into #2…
DEEP NOURISHMENT, RELAXATION & EASE
Preconception is the ideal time to focus on deep nourishment, relaxation and tending to our bodies. Finding ways to calm our nervous system, lessen sources of stress, and nourish ourselves with proper nutrition is absolutely key in helping to regulate hormones and create an optimal environment for conception, not to mention creating healthy habits that will continue to resource us once we become pregnant.
Nutrition: Making sure we’re eating well can sometimes feel like a chore. But it’s important to try and find pleasure in nourishing yourself with nutrient-dense meals with plenty of protein, colorful plants, healthy fats like coconut, avocado, grass-fed ghee or butter, grass-fed bone broth, pastured eggs, and oily fish – sustainably sourced. Do your best to limit caffeine to one cup/day, limit or omit alcohol, and limit refined sugar.
Movement medicine: Aim for daily walks, yoga or stretching, swimming, dancing or any other favorite movement you might do. High intensity workouts increase the body’s production of cortisol, which has a cascade effect on the sex hormones, such as progesterone and estrogen, so gentle exercise may be more suitable.
Sleep: Get as much sleep as your body is asking for. It truly is medicine. The biggest takeaway is not to stay up too late – as the body produces cortisol to keep us “up” and this depletes the adrenals. Go to bed as soon as you’re tired ~8-9pm.
If you need motivation to prioritise sleep, remember that any sleep you can get now, pre-baby, is luxurious in comparison to new parents losing 700 hours+ of sleep in the first year postpartum. (https://www.snuz.co.uk/sleep-centre/news/the-truth-about-sleep-snuz-sleep-survey-results/?vgo_ee=E8xAZL5n5p40KOkjZkBC6N83r3rW+cB5J5zi59DJh+Q=&utm_source=affiliate&utm_medium=impact&irgwc=1&irclickid=VG5Wo%3AyH9xyPU7%3AVaSTuO0c2UkHVJ0RZ%3ARjdWM0&clickid=VG5Wo%3AyH9xyPU7%3AVaSTuO0c2UkHVJ0RZ%3ARjdWM0) Think about sleeping more now as filling up your cup to the brim before it will be emptied, so at least you’re not starting from a depleted state.
Herbal Allies: This is a lovely time to develop a relationship with the plant beings in your area. You can simply open your awareness to who calls out to you on your walks or in the garden. This is less about taking these plants internally for a particular effect, and more about cultivating friendships with the more-than-human realm, where insight and healing can freely flow when we slow down and listen deeply.
Rosemary grows abundantly in my garden and I often pick a small tip to hold and smell as I walk, or simmer a handful in water for my bath. Another enriching practice is to find the guardian tree near your home or in your neighborhood, and visit it daily, sitting under it for a while and leaving offerings.
In terms of imbibing plants to support fertility, the deeply nutritive and mineral rich herbs are beautiful allies. Drinking a daily infusion of Nettles, Alfalfa, Red Clover, Oatstraw, Chamomile or any combination of these, is a supportive herbal tonic. I also love incorporating Shatavari or Maca powder into any warm beverages I might have during the day, both of which are thought to help regulate hormones and promote fertility. And I would be remiss not to mention Ashwagandha to help regulate stress and soothe the nervous system. (https://animamundiherbals.com/blogs/blog/top-12-herbs-for-the-womb)
Pelvic Steaming: This is a traditional cross-cultural practice to bring warmth and healing to the root of our bodies. It supports cleansing and tonifying of the uterus following menstruation, facilitating the release of blood and clots, promotes circulation, softens tissues and eases soreness, and encourages oxytocin to be released which leads to feelings of relaxation and wellbeing. It can also be very beneficial on an emotional or spiritual level of cleansing and healing. There are many places online you can learn about steaming, but a good resource to start is the Steamy Chick Institute. [https://steamychick.institute/]
Abdominal Massage: Another wonderful traditional practice that can be applied in the preconception time to support reproductive, digestive and urogenital systems while improving blood flow, circulation, uterus positioning and the flow of Qi. It’s also a lovely self care practice that can reduce stress, which is an important aspect of fertility as well. Don’t practice this after ovulation as it is too stimulating and could affect implantation, so focus on doing this massage after menstruation up until ovulation. Some great resources to learn more and find a practitioner near you is Rosita Arvigo’s work on The Abdominal Therapy Collective [https://www.abdominaltherapycollective.com/] or Tul’ix Indigenous Arts [https://www.tulixindigenousarts.com/].
TRACK YOUR CYCLE
On your preconception journey, this is one of the most valuable tools at your disposal. Not only does learning to track your cycle help you identify peak fertility days for the best chance of conception, but it also brings you into deeper relationship with your body and awareness of personal changes over each month.
Check out The Fifth Vital Sign by Lisa Hendrickson Jack or Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler to dive deeper into understanding what’s happening in your cycle and what to track. While it can be best to begin with the paper charts provided in the workbooks, some tracking apps that might be helpful are Natural Cycles and Read Your Body.
CONNECTING WITH YOUR BABY’S SPIRIT, MAKING AN ALTAR OR DOING A RITUAL
This can be a really special thing to do with your partner, if you have one, or simply by yourself. I see this as being interconnected with the principle of inviting life, and this step ceremonialises the intention or prayer you are making in your life at this time.
When my partner and I first decided we wanted to conceive, we made an altar together in an intuitive ceremony. I’ll briefly share some pieces, but it’s good to remember there’s no right or wrong way to do this – simply tune in and see what would feel special and meaningful to you.
[[We opened the ceremony with a short grounding meditation, then tuned into why we were doing this – to open the conception portal and invite in our spirit baby, and any other beneficial guidance and help for the process. We each wrote down things we were consciously releasing, fears and doubts, and then burned the pieces of paper. Then we slowly and thoughtfully placed a flower, two unlit candles, a vessel of water, and some other meaningful items on the altar cloth I had laid out. We took turns to light our candle and say a prayer. We sat in silence, meditating upon the altar, and then shared some affirming, loving words with each other. And then we gave our thanks and gratitude to close the space.]]
It’s up to you how long you tend to this altar and when you change it up. We would light the candles and burn some incense whenever we made love, which definitely added a certain magic and romance to the space!
MAXIMIZING PLEASURE, NOW
Okay look, all this hyperfocus on tracking your cycle, making love, the two-week wait of did you or didn’t you conceive, is putting a lot of pressure on this happening! It can be hard to zoom out and see the wider picture, let alone trust that it will happen (just maybe not in our desired timeframe).
My suggestion for this is to do all the things you love and that bring you joy, and to savor the time you have alone, with your partner or otherwise, because your time and ability to do these activities will likely be very rare when you do have a baby. So let your hair down and indulge in some light-hearted fun.
While this will be different for everyone, my list of ideas for maximizing pleasure looked something like this:
Sleep ins
Get some bodywork, such as a massage or acupuncture
Go out for dinner and a movie
Occasionally enjoy a glass of natural wine
Go dancing! Karaoke!
Have a long, luxurious tea ceremony (or other meditative practice)
Go to the beach for sunrise
Invite friends over for a dinner party
A lot of reading
Go camping
Long baths
Naps
Go on a solo date to the art gallery or museum
Go on a silent retreat
GET JUICY
Hydration! Body oiling! Baths! Slow, fluid dancing! Yin yoga to move lymph and breathwork for circulation!
Not only do these practices feel amazing and bring you into a more relaxed and embodied state, ensuring you are well hydrated and supporting the body’s fluids with intentional movement. Imagine your body and internal organs in their most vibrant, healthy expression – they’re plump, flushed with colour, and taking up the space they reside in. The same can be applied to the reproductive system and gamets; ova and sperm. The idea is to make sure each ovum (mature egg cell) is healthy and plump when it is released from the ovary, and that if fertilization occurs, hydration will improve bloodflow to the womb and the zygote (fertilized egg) will be more easily able to implant. [https://natalist.com/blogs/learn/the-importance-of-hydration-when-trying-to-get-pregnant]
[https://www.repromedfertility.com/blog/how-hydration-affects-fertility-4153/]
Body oiling or abhyanga self massage is an ancient technique to nourish the largest organ of our body - the skin - to promote relaxation and a sense of well being, as well as move the lymph and increase circulation. I adore body oiling with a herbal oil such as St John’s Wort or Calendula, which enables the medicinal constituents of the plants to be absorbed directly into the skin. It’s also a wonderful practice to connect you deeper to your body and sensuality.
In terms of hydration, you might consider lessening any diuretic herbs or beverages, such as tea and coffee, and drink warm water instead of cold, which has an expansive action in the body, as opposed to constrictive energy. This will keep things juicy and moving. Look into structuring your water, or at the very least ensuring it’s filtered and as pure as possible. If you find it hard to drink an abundance of plain water, you can try adding some mint, a slice of fresh lemon or ginger.
Final thoughts:
In the conception of a child, the field of love is the most important element. Deep, devotional love. So while there are many wonderful things you can do to support your fertility and health preconception, as well as provide the best possible start for your baby in the first few weeks of a pregnancy, not much compares to conceiving in a safe, loving environment and holding the intention for life to come into your physical vessel. And if this isn’t the case for you, remember that healing and wholeness is always available, it’s truly never too late to create and hold the field of love for yourself and your child.